2018, 2019.

the first half of 2018,

tbh la, aku rasa 6 bulan yg pertama tu, adalah waktu yg paling teruk dalam hidup aku. bila aku try ingat balik apa yg jadi sepanjang tempoh tu, i can only remember pain, heartbreaks, stressful life, semangat yg dipatah-patahkan...... if i were to describe my life during that span of time in colors, definitely it would be greyish-black. at that time, aku rasa macam unworthy, full of guilt, depressed. i tried to make myself happy tapi ntah la dia macam tak jadi. dapat rasa la yg i'm faking myself. senang cerita, i feel like a piece of shit. but thank God, environment sekeliling aku sangat la supportive. i was able to heal because of my friends. if it weren't for them, aku rasa sampai sekarang aku masih terdampar pada dasar yg paling dalam lagi gelap- tak jumpa jalan keluar. haa gitu. 

masuk second half of 2018,

hidup aku yg greyish-black tadi tu tetiba bertukar warna tau. used to see everything in monochrome but slowly the colors came in and changed the whole scenery. there's always a rainbow after the rain falls. this was when, i finally learn how to accept what life gave to me with open arms and heart, and how to let things go. also, i have found another reason to live. tambah pulak dengan environment yg macam aku cakap tadi, sangat la supportive and positive. final year ni takyah cakap ah, hectic gila-gila kan. mana nak catch up study lagi, nak berkejar siapkan research lagi. but alhamdullilah, eventhough perjalanan tu macam bumpy sikit but overall, i can say that my journey is quite smooth. i enjoyed my second half of 2018. 

2018 is surely one hell of a ride, but full of lessons. 

ada sebab kenapa setiap satu benda tu terjadi dekat kita. all the bad things that happened to us; it may caused us pain and ripped us into pieces but at the end of the day, it is actually a blessing. blessings in terms of how it helped us to find ourselves and brought ourselves back, stronger than ever. also, time susah tu la kita dapat tengok siapa yg still stick dengan kita, yg ada dengan kita time kita jatuh, yg sanggup bantu kita baiki diri yg punah ranah, yg tarik tangan kita untuk bangun dan terus jalan sama-sama ke hadapan. that is blessing. dan sentiasa la bersyukur sbb Tuhan dah izinkan sebaik-baik manusia untuk ada bersama kau. 

also, try not to bring your past into the future. untuk menjadi aku yg baru, haruslah dilepas bebas masa yg lalu- aku selalu cuba untuk pegang kata-kata ni. sebab kalau kau duk asyik bawak je masa lalu kau, kau takkan dapat nikmati masa sekarang kau sepenuhnya dan future kau pun, akan dipengaruhi oleh masa lampau kau. you won't able to be a new you. frankly, i'm the type of a person who likes to cling to memories. tapi kalau dah terseksa diri sebab itu, baik kau belajar untuk lepas dengan perlahan-lahan. that feeling when you finally able to let things go is a pure bliss. 

next, when things started to go rough, always remind yourself to stop for a while. take a break. breathe in. pat yourself on the back and tell yourself; you did well, you did great. don't push yourself too hard. ye, kita mahukan yg terbaik untuk kita, untuk orang sekeliling kita. but if we stress ourselves too much, things will go haywire. masa tu, kalau tetiba things doesn't go well, of course we will blame ourselves for not being good enough. the guilt and sadness will creep from the back and engulf you into the darkness. so sebelum semua itu terjadi, take a break! rehat bersama kitkat. it's okay to slow down, seriously. that moment of slowing down will show you your true potential and you can appreciate yourself more. 

2018 is a year full of sweats, tears, laughter, heartbreak, picking yourself up, confusion and several times of saying 'i wanna die'. but it's okay, everything happens for a reason. smile and open your arms wide. you'll be happier. 

thank you 2018 for the valuable lessons. akan aku bawak sampai mati. to those who left, thank you for cherishing my life once. to those who stays, terima kasih sebab sudi stay hahaha. sorry for all my wrong doings sepanjang 2018 dan juga tahun-tahun sebelumnya. may 2019 brings us nothing but joy and we get to achieve whatever goals that we had in mind. and if we were to experience more pains and heartbreaks, it's okay. may it help us to be a better version of ourselves. moga Tuhan mempermudahkan segalanya, insya Allah. 

and to rx11, let's rock our final sem!! #roadtograduation

k done bebel. sekian, terima kasih. haha. 

dear you, thanks.

have you ever felt;

the sense of tightness in your chest,

the way acids and feels churn wildly in your tummy,

how the stupid grins can never left your face, 

how your eyes glisten at the sight of something so beautiful,

you don't want to blink even for a second-- 

as you are afraid that it will go away,

for you have found your safe haven.

have your ever felt that?

because,

i do.

all thanks to you. 

1048 pm//15122018

kau ada.

dan mungkin terkadang, 
perasaan itu muncul sendiri.

seperti udara yang disedut hembus,
seperti titis hujan yang turun membasahi bumi yang kering,
seperti udara petang yang meniup lembut,

kau ada.
kau mendekat.
kau menenangkan.
kau melengkapkan.

dan,

tak akan berkurang lagi senyuman ini,
tak akan pudar cahaya mentari pagi,
tak akan terganti bait puisi nyanyian hati,

selagi kau ada.
tolong selalu ada.
aku yakin kau akan selalu ada. 


1139pm//03122018

Forgive me.

kita selalu kan, buat something yang kita tak sedar pun merosakkan diri kita sendiri. we don't even realize that one day, the bad things we do akan backfire kita. all we know that we want to satisfy ourselves without considering the bad consequences that will happen to us.

betapa ignorant nya kita. 

today, i came to realize that, certain things that i do, actually is bad. aku dah tahu dah benda tu buruk, tapi ada beza antara kau tahu dan kau ada kesedaran. i'm literally destroying myself. Allah dah bagi semua nikmat-Nya dekat aku. alhamdulillah, i'm living well. makan cukup. belajar okay. duit setakat ni cukup. pakaian cukup. tempat tinggal pun ada. parents aku still ada, family aku ada. everything is complete in my life. but still, i keep on doing things yang dah terang2 Allah murka. 

jahatnya aku. mensia2kan nikmat yang Allah bagi. betapa tak bersyukurnya aku. 

i should have been better to myself. i shouldn't have taken things that God have given to me for granted. i should have make use of myself for better things. things that will give benefits not only for me, but the people around me.

Allah, please forgive me.

forgive me for all the things i've done. forgive me for being ignorant. forgive me for destroying myself. forgive me, as i have sinned. 

i promise to be better. i promise to left all the bad things behind dan cuba untuk berubah ke arah yang lebih baik. Kau telah menjadikan aku seorang manusia dan telah memberi peluang kepada aku untuk hidup bersama orang2 yang baik. kuatkan hati aku untuk terus taat kepada-Mu. lindungilah diriku dan juga orang disekelilingku. keep us under your blessings. 

lindungilah kami. peliharalah kami. ampunilah kami.

amin ya rabbal 'alamin. 

All is well.

Feelings have been sorted out.
Done explaining, done clearing things up.

All is well.
Now, i'm all good.

Finally.



May the future holds only good things to all of us. 

i don't really like to talk about my family issues. but sometimes, u just need to spill out your feelings, i guess. and this place seems like a good spot to rant your heart out.

so, yeah. 

i hope that one day, i found someone that will love only me. and i hope that, i can have a family that i've been dreaming of since i was a child. living happily without having the fear of sharing the person that you love wholeheartedly with someone else. living life without being scared of your children's future. living freely without having the thoughts of you being unworthy. 

i just want a guy that will love me and only me. i just want my future kids to have their dad all by themselves, without having to share it with anyone else. i don't want my future kids to have the life that i'm currently living. i don't want them to live in a world where they have other siblings instead of their own and why their dad is having another woman besides their mum. i don't want that.

all i want is to be happy, really. i want my future kids to be happy.

so please, let me have someone that will love me and only me. i'm tired of sharing. and i'm tired of being hurt. 

i just want to be happy.